Loss
So this should be a rather interesting journey. I think I’m going to take the plunge. Question is…where should I start? I have absolutely no following because I’ve not tried to build one. But here we are, today is a new day and I’ve decided to just start. Best place to start? Family, of course. So y’all, get ready, get ready, get ready. I’m gonna come-a-knockin, and y’all better answer. Don’t play with me. Let’s walk this walk together. :). First stop…dealing with loss. I’m goin in.
LOSS: the fact or process of losing something or someone.
LOSS: the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.
Whoa – my gosh. Of course, I already know what “loss” means. I already know how “loss” feels. But someway, somehow reading the actual definitions made the sting even more painful. And now, here’s the flood of emotions. One more definition to add – a state evoking anger and despair. Why that one? Because of the overwhelming pain that just violated my space.
March 2020 = LOSS – a debilitating void that emerges when normalcy is shaken and there’s no control in facing the unknown! In other words, COVID-19
The sweet things we often take for granted: touching another human being; going outside and breathing freely; touching a door handle; leaving the house on a whim and for no dang reason at all; just being…
April 2021 = LOSS – all great things must come to an end. The matriarch of our family, my maternal grandmother, the one who raised me, the one who could never ever be moved, unexpectedly passes away after she sends up a massive prayer covering the entire family and cementing her love & legacy. Says she is ready to take a nap and unbeknownst to any of us, peacefully takes her last breath.
April 2022 = LOSS – you never really know the value of someone or something until it’s lost. And this was the toughest one of all. Terrible thing is, I had no earthly idea how this loss would affect me. Regret. Now I live in regret. My sweet, sweet, beautiful mother shook up my world. This one right here! My goodness. Not ever in my life did I imagine this reality. My mother had to be one of the strongest and fiercest women to ever walk the face of this earth. And now she’s gone. How? How in the world did we get here?
Only 15 when she had me, so we never really had the opportunity to actually have the true mother/daughter relationship. I don’t have the energy to tell our story again. Emotionally I just cannot do that again. Her service was recorded so I will post my remarks from her service if anyone would like to hear them. I can’t recount our journey again because it’s just so painful and again, because almost daily, I walk in regret. I regret that she never knew how much I loved her. Why? Because I never knew how much I loved her. My anger towards her shielded my heart and wouldn’t allow me to freely love her. As a pre-teen, I thought she abandoned me and choose not to be a mother to me. I never knew the truth. As an adult, she tried over and over and over to show me that she loved me. But again, I refused to accept the truth. It wasn’t until she left this earth that I got out of my own way and finally knew the truth. She loved me. She loved me dearly. It was my anger and bitterness, and jealousy over her relationship with my brother and sister that blinded me to the truth. I was wrong. The problem was me. I built the toxicity in our relationship. Not my mother. That was all me.
Sadly, now I talk to her daily. Not one day goes by that I don’t utter words to her. And the worst part of it all is, she can no longer talk back. This is a bridge that I burned. I did that! This is a relationship that I damaged. Now, I’m left with memories and regret.
If anyone is reading this blog…please learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did. If you have any issues with anyone you love, make it right. Own your contribution. Be the bigger person and make it right. Once you no longer have that opportunity, the pain of your terrible mistake can be so overwhelming that it actually takes your breath away. Y’all be better. Do better. Make it right!
And y’all, I’m done for tonight. I now have a terrible headache and I’ve gotta call it quits. I hope something that I’ve said resonates with you and causes you to make better choices. Life is precious, and life is short. Do your best to make your journey worthwhile. Much Love…SaundraDee
JTRcreations 
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