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Let’s Get It…

Everyday is a good day to deal with a Karen

Putting it all in context. One evening back in September, one of the homeowners in our neighborhood posted a timely notification to our HOA’s Facebook page. Unfortunately, folk were creepin’ late in the midnight hour attempting to break in vehicles. The neighbor’s camera caught the image of a large Suburban. A very distinguishable Suburban, and she posted two shots of the LARGE two-toned truck. My neighbor took is upon herself to snap a picture of my daughter’s boyfriend’s truck (while hiding in her window) and boldly posted it in the feed asking “is this the small truck driving away?” Needless to say, when I saw that post…my entire mood changed. While I was highly pissed, before I took a step out of my door to confront my neighbor, I made up in my mind that I was going to be direct, respectful, matter-of-fact, and let her know that that move was unacceptable. Her carelessly could’ve caused a chain reaction that could have led to a frightening experience for my daughter’s boyfriend in the event that her ignorance & foolishness caused him to be under suspicion. This was not going to be a day in the life of another Black man! That was not okay! Not t’day or any other day!!! Get a hold of yourselves and stop endangering the lives of folk just because you can!

Even I had to be “dealt” with!

So, on April 15th, tax day no less…I, myself had to be dealt with.  And boy am I eternally grateful that I was.

On April 14, 2022 – we unexpectedly lost our mother. This was a blow that none of us saw coming. And that’s not the craziest part. The craziest part is, I really didn’t know how much I loved her or how much she meant to me until I lost her.

A Heartfelt Tribute to my Mother. These are the very last words that I spoke over my Mother during her Celebration of Life.

I don’t even know how we got here today, ‘cause regardless of of what my Mama went through, she always, and I mean always, came out on top.  When she started struggling with emotions, losing mama hit her so hard, but when she started struggling with that I would tell her this is so not you. Because I have never ever my life seen a woman so strong who swung so so hard at any and everything that came at her and never ever faltered.  She never wavered and she always came out on top.  So when she lost mama, she truly lost a part of her and now, I couldn’t comprehend it then, but I certainly understand it now. And, of course I’m solely unscripted that’s pretty much how I roll through life.  So when Terri asked us to give her a picture of us and Mother that we loved the most, that little dingy, discolored one in the corner would be being my Mama. And in that picture I was seven years old, and it is at that time when I loved her she was the only person I wanted to be with all the time.  She was my playdate before they labeled it a playdate.  Because I was raised my mama and daddy, of course, Resa was only 15 when she had me.  So on the weekend I stayed with her!  And Saturday morning was fried bologna, burnt on the edges, cheese eggs, grits, and toast with grape Jelly. She couldn’t cook y’all, bless her heart, but it was good…good to my soul! And in the afternoon it was hamburger not hamburger helper, the hamburger with the manwhich sauce, yeah sloppy joe’s! And in the evening it was hamburger helper! So after we had watched Ultraman and Spiderman and Speed Racer, we moved on to SuperFriends, then the westerns! And at night…it was wrestlin’! Yeah, those were the day, the best days of my life! And then she did something…she worked a miracle! She she gave me a new toy, and that was my baby brother!  When I was 8 and he rolled into this world, I didn’t know my heart could experience so much joy! 

So the weekends were really the weekend! Now everybody has said that she was the life of the party.  And I promise you, the party didn’t start until Resa showed up! I promise you!  In the summertime, every weekend, we would go to the lake to barbeque. And just have fun. Then all of a sudden it started to change.  My time with her got strained. And I didn’t spend as much time with her as I had. I did not understand why it changed I just know it changed.  And around about this time I was in middle school.  There was even more change.  I didn’t really understand why so I just watched and wondered, but never got an explanation.  I never got an explanation for why my four times a month, reduced to two times a month.  Then my two times a month reduced to one time a month.  And then it just wasn’t.  And I never got an explanation, and I never understood why.  So for years, I wondered, why.  And it was okay…a little bit. It was okay. But I missed that bond I missed that time…I missed my mama. And they come to the hill and I’d get to play with and abuse my brother and we would just have the time of our lives. So when she came back there was a light and life that came back into me. And then there wasn’t.

Next in 85 I got another gift, yet another toy…my little sister!   Over the years my relationship with my mom had become extremely strained and I’m going to be transparent I’m gonna be truthful, it was toxic!  I was never disrespectful because that’s not how I was raised but it was very toxic.  It got to the point to where I didn’t want to hear her voice. I could not stand to be in the same room with her because of that strain that happened many years ago and I never received an explanation.  But when Terri came it became okay because I had someone else to love.  And I don’t, please make no mistake, I had an abundance of love from my sweet auntie, my grandparents, from the community. So many people poured into me.  But I did not realize y’all until this past Friday I recognized what it was that caused that toxicity, that caused that pain, that caused that bitterness towards my mama.  And over the years when I was 26 years old I wrote a letter to my entire family and I told them this is what y’all did to me, this is who you made me!  And it was a violent letter. Mama, Carolyn & Resa came to my house so we could talk about it.  But I didn’t wanna talk about it, I needed to say what I needed to say and I didn’t need to hear anything back.  That was kinda a reaction that I got honestly. When she tried explain to me what potentially happened back then, I rejected it.  I rejected her! Five more years I rode that wave of toxicity not being able to stand to be in the same room with my mother. If I was happy as soon as she walked in that joy left because it felt like she sucked all the joy out of the room. Thirty-one years, 31 years old, I was blessed to give birth to my first child. And when reisa, every day, every day, every day when she got off work, I don’t even know that she saw John, bless his heart, she made a beeline from mission Rd to huntcliff drive.  Every single day she saw my baby! And all the toxicity that used to enter the room when she entered in, it was nothing but pure joy! I saw How she looked at my child, and how she held my child, and how she loved my child, and even though over the years she said baby I love you I couldn’t accept that. I could not rest in that. But when I saw how she looked at that baby, my baby, I knew without a doubt that she could not love that gift without loving the gift giver. So from that moment on, I was able to, I will be 56 in about 6 weeks, I was able to start allowing it to penetrate.  And I was able to accept that my mama truly loved me. But then there were moments when I looked a how she loved Raymone & Terri, and I went back to that 10 year old girl and would ponder that it’s not that she doesn’t have the ability to love because she poured into them, but why not me.  Why didn’t I get that.  Why was it removed from me.

Last Friday night, I was thinking about and I was laughing about the time that we did have and the thing…that, that revelation that hit me. I FINALLY realized and understood what caused me to not be able to rest and rock in my mother’s love. And it was jealous it was not what she did it was what I was doing.  Those were my actions.  I couldn’t accept what she was trying to pour into me because it was blocked because of the jealousy I had since I was a little girl. My mama was a lifelong teacher.  Y’all have heard how she poured into people.  Y’all please, allow her last time y’all see her on this earth, allow this to be a life lesson for you.  If you got beef with somebody or if you have issues with somebody, please assess yourself. Check yourself for your own contribution. Because with us I did that. My mother didn’t do that she didn’t create that. She was practically a baby when she had me. So trying to love me over these years, I let her love be a little bit. But if I had checked myself, can y’all imagine The beauty we would have walked in together. My mother was an extraordinary, exquisite woman of God she is.  She is a lover of her family. She is a teacher if you allow yourself to be taught. Mama, I’ve been taught.